This is the photo my well-meaning husband took of me right before going into the hospital the morning our daughter was born.
I kept thinking that I didn't feel that big...Even though I didn't have the cute basketball belly...Even though she measured 8.5 pound at 36 weeks (and was showing no signs of being ready to come out)...Even though the doctor (jokingly) told me to be ready for a 15-pound baby.
p.s. Never tell a pregnant woman to be ready for a 15-pound baby. I don't care if you're joking.
Looking back, I was really that big. So big that I feel justified not doing anything but sitting around and thinking about how I don't feel that big and all the things I really should be doing.
Which lead me to these. My thoughts on pregnancy. I posted a new one every few days on Facebook and my friends seemed to appreciate them. Now in all fairness, I have no idea how many people blocked me as a result either.
Anyway, I thought I'd compile them into a list and post them here because 1) Facebook really sucks at letting you read old posts and 2) I waste a lot of time rereading the hilarious things I write.
Looking back, I was really that big. So big that I feel justified not doing anything but sitting around and thinking about how I don't feel that big and all the things I really should be doing.
Which lead me to these. My thoughts on pregnancy. I posted a new one every few days on Facebook and my friends seemed to appreciate them. Now in all fairness, I have no idea how many people blocked me as a result either.
Anyway, I thought I'd compile them into a list and post them here because 1) Facebook really sucks at letting you read old posts and 2) I waste a lot of time rereading the hilarious things I write.
(in no particular order)
If there was a way to stockpile sleep for future use, I would have figured it out in college. Unless, you've discovered how to do this, please don't tell me that I had "better get sleep now."
~
I'm going to make a t-shirt that says:
Girl
January 18
No, just one baby in there, thanks
Yes, we have a name
No, we're not telling anyone
No, we're not ready
Please don't touch
~
From now on, anything I drop under my desk is staying there until I get back from maternity leave.
~
"Commander" is not an acceptable alternative to "Grandpa.
~
If people ask you if you're having a natural vaginal birth, get their email address and offer to send them the video.
~
The quickest way to freak out a guy in a bar is to walk up to him, rub your belly, and ask "Would you like to buy us a drink?"
~
I don't care if you're the doctor, never tell a woman (pregnant or not) not to worry about how big the baby's getting because "You have the pelvis to handle it."
~
What kind of mother would I like to be? Is "Skinny with a good wine buzz" on the list?"
~
Call me "preggo-saurus" again and you'll be the extinct one.
~
Why is everyone so scared of the birth? That seems like the easy part. It's damaging her to the point where she becomes a stripper, or worse, an Ohio State fan that worries me.
~
People don't appreciate it when you tell them you're having a girl, but what you're really hoping for is a lesbian.
~
Shopping at the liquor store is far more difficult when no one will make eye contact with you.
~
When in the waiting room before touring the hospital maternity ward, surrounded by running, screaming children, don't comment that "If I get a clean shot, I'm tripping the big one." The other pregnant women will judge you.
~
I think it's weird when people ask me if I'm going to breast feed. I'm sure they're just making conversation, but I don't ask you what you and your boobs are doing for the next 6 months.
*Bonus*
(just a few thoughts on motherhood - so far)
I don't mind being thought of as just a pair of boobs, but at least in college it got me free beer.
~
Sure, being a mother is great, but the real joy is being able to eat raw cookie dough again.
~
People keep asking me who she looks like, and I keep telling them, Mr. Burns.
~
I'm going to make a t-shirt that says:
Girl
January 18
No, just one baby in there, thanks
Yes, we have a name
No, we're not telling anyone
No, we're not ready
Please don't touch
~
From now on, anything I drop under my desk is staying there until I get back from maternity leave.
~
"Commander" is not an acceptable alternative to "Grandpa.
~
If people ask you if you're having a natural vaginal birth, get their email address and offer to send them the video.
~
The quickest way to freak out a guy in a bar is to walk up to him, rub your belly, and ask "Would you like to buy us a drink?"
~
I don't care if you're the doctor, never tell a woman (pregnant or not) not to worry about how big the baby's getting because "You have the pelvis to handle it."
~
What kind of mother would I like to be? Is "Skinny with a good wine buzz" on the list?"
~
Call me "preggo-saurus" again and you'll be the extinct one.
~
Why is everyone so scared of the birth? That seems like the easy part. It's damaging her to the point where she becomes a stripper, or worse, an Ohio State fan that worries me.
~
People don't appreciate it when you tell them you're having a girl, but what you're really hoping for is a lesbian.
~
Shopping at the liquor store is far more difficult when no one will make eye contact with you.
~
When in the waiting room before touring the hospital maternity ward, surrounded by running, screaming children, don't comment that "If I get a clean shot, I'm tripping the big one." The other pregnant women will judge you.
~
I think it's weird when people ask me if I'm going to breast feed. I'm sure they're just making conversation, but I don't ask you what you and your boobs are doing for the next 6 months.
(just a few thoughts on motherhood - so far)
I don't mind being thought of as just a pair of boobs, but at least in college it got me free beer.
~
Sure, being a mother is great, but the real joy is being able to eat raw cookie dough again.
~
People keep asking me who she looks like, and I keep telling them, Mr. Burns.
What did I tell ya?
My adorable Mr. Snrub.
No comments:
Post a Comment