I started this list a few days after Doodle was born. Because A) my mind started racing with all the things I wanted to make sure I shared with her.
Things I've learned.
Things I wish I learned sooner.
Things I've been told.
Things I should have listened to when I was told.
and because B) I like lists.
and because B) I like lists.
1. Spiders are nothing to fear, your shoe is always bigger.
2. If the spider is bigger than your shoe, run the fuck away, don't be a hero.
3. Being nice does not mean you're weak. "No, thank you" means the same thing as "No".
4. Marry someone with a sense of humor similar to yours. Even if its messed up.
5. Once you've found that person, share everything with them, except blankets. Using separate blankets at night keeps everyone well-rested. And well-rested people are happy. And happy people don't kill their husbands.
6. Be healthy. Eat right. Exercise. It's much harder to break 30 years of bad habits.
7. But find room for indulgences.
8. Every time you get a raise, increase your 401K contribution. That way you'll never get used to the extra money and won't have to learn to live on less income later when you have to make up for it.
9. Save for your retirement first, there will always be student loans for your children.
10. Get involved. Clubs, sports, charity, church, classes. Try new things, meet new people, and discover your passions.
11. Always wear sunscreen. Sunburn and skin cancer both suck.
12. No man will ever love you like your daddy will.
13. Go for it. Whether it be saying "Hi" to a cute boy, applying for a dream job, or dying your hair pink.
14. As my grandma said, kiss a lot of boys, that way you'll know when you kiss the right one.
15. Travel.
16. Posting everything you do online is unnecessary and annoying. Remember, the Internet is permanent and public, even if you delete it.
17. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t do it, wear it, or say it.
18. Someone who is nice to you, but mean to the waiter is not a nice person.
19. Over tip taxi drivers, pizza delivery people, and servers. Those jobs all suck and a good tip is always appreciated.
20. Art, music, and running are the cheapest and most effective forms of therapy.
21. Awkward phases are inevitable. You won't know you're in one until years later, but the more awkward it is, the more awesome a personality you'll develop.
22. Note that I said "phases". Plural.
23. Be aware of the media's representation of women and know that you're better than that. Whether they're telling you that you're not thin enough, tall enough, smart enough, or accomplished enough. It's all bullshit.
24. Men are not immune from this either. Despite what commercials aimed at women say, the vast majority of men are not dumb, incapable, thoughtless, or lazy. Equality does not mean objectifying men they way they do women.
25. Have just the right amount if fun in college, but please don't tell me about it.
26. Know that you're beautiful. Always. Seriously. Always.
27. Typing class was the second most beneficial class I took in high school. If offered, take the typing class.
28. Balance your checkbook frequently. Know how much money you have and where it's going. And avoid credit cards, they're evil and are designed to keep you in debt.
29. Know the difference between there, they're, and their (and your and you're for that matter).
30. Smart is beautiful.
31. So is silly.
32. You will experience both tragedy and triumph. Both are equally important.
33. Never be afraid to ask the question, but understand that you may not like the answer.
34. Cry when you need to, but not in front of your boss.
35. Learn science and math. Women tend to lose interest in these subjects, but they're fascinating and incredibly useful.
36. Go outside. And when you can't, open a window.
37. Play in the rain.
38. Help others. This can be standing up for someone in class, volunteering at a soup kitchen, or just listening when a friend needs to talk.
39. Stay away from processed foods. God knows what we'll discover about them in 50 years.
40. The right guy will respect you, be kind, will make you laugh, and will respect you.
41. Follow the big rules, but break some of the small ones. Never steal a car, but have ice cream for dinner once in a while.
42. Have fun.
43. Laugh loud and often.
44. It's all about perspective. My grandma once complained about the ugly brown of the California foothills. She claims that I then told her that I saw beautiful golden hills with flowing grass. I still love those hills.
45. Be considerate of others. Any trip to Walmart will show you that this is incredibly lacking in our society.
46. Pull (harmless) pranks on your friends. When you're old enough, I'll teach you some good ones.
47. Play. In the snow. In the water. With imaginary friends. With your food.
48. Question what others present as absolutes and especially what you read online.
49. Be whatever you want when you grow up whether that be a neurobiologist or a stay-at-home mom or both.
50. Know that no matter what, your mommy and daddy will always be here for you. Never be afraid to come to us with any problem. We may ground you, but we still love you.
51. The only thing you truly have control over is yourself, and that's not until you're 25 when I will officially relinquish my control. There will be a full ceremony. We will have cake. You can invite some friends.
52. Anger is a symptom of another emotion - jealousy, insecurity, frustration, fear. Figure out what's really upsetting you and address it.
53. There is this cliché that women are supposed to be mad at men and that they're supposed to figure out what's wrong and be forever indebted to us. This is also bullshit. There is no reason your husband/boyfriend should have to guess what's wrong and constantly be trying to win you over. Love thrives on mutual respect. If you're upset tell him and tell him why. Save yourself a lot of trouble and frustration.
54. Admit when you're wrong. Apologize and move on.
55. Own a cordless drill, monkey wrench, hammer, tape measure, and hacksaw.
56. Know how to change a tire, remove and clean out the sink trap, what a trap is, and how to spackle, but leave electrical and plumbing issues to the professionals.
57. Don't waste your time comparing yourself to other people. You will always find someone who's better, faster, or stronger as well as some one who's worse, slower, or weaker. It doesn't matter.
58. Always send a hand-written thank you note.
59. I don't have much beauty advice, but here's what I do know. You're beautiful. Oh, and don't wash your hair everyday, it dries it out.
I tried to fill this with my own adages; however, I'll end with one of my favorite quotes. Hopefully, people are still spreading the wisdom of Louis C. K. when you're old enough to understand this.
60.
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